Double Dog Dare You
by kitsieandmeow
Summary: A scrap of paper that read: I dare the finder of this paper to get Alfred F. Jones to give him or her a lap dance. From there one can only spiral downward.


Ah, just a little something to get my head out of school mode. Not going to be all that big of thing, I just needed a little silly crackiness to wake up with. **Please enjoy**

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><p><strong>dance sexy for me<strong>

...

It was but a scrap of paper, left lying so conspicuously atop all his paperwork where it clearly did not belong. Ivan caught it immediately, snatching it up with a mix of disdain and curiosity. It was written in pen, hastily scribbled, with terrible lettering. Though Ivan cared not for the butchered bit of his language on said scrap. It was the message of the butchered bits. A dare.

_I dare the finder of this paper to get Alfred F. Jones to give him or her a lap dance. _

Ludicrous. Absurd. Perverse. Yet horribly tempting. Ivan found himself holding the paper, giving it much more thought than need be. Instead of tossing it into the little trash can beneath his desk he slipped it into his coat pocket next to his beloved pipe, a playful "why not" on his lips.

"Dare accepted! Who ever you are~!" he giggled. In his mind the dare was indeed meant for him, otherwise why would it have been written in Russian and left on his desk? Though, it was not exactly his desk. He, like many other countries, was stying in a large hotel in London. It wasn't exactly a G20 meeting, not yet anyway. More or less it was an excuse to get together before the chaos of the meeting got into full swing. They had about four days until the headaches began.

Ivan wondered if anyone else had found any dares. He spared no thought to the provider, that was for later. Now he had to figure out a way to get Alfred into the same room alone.

….

….

Alfred himself had found a dare. It had been in a bag of McDonald's, somehow slipped in sometime before he took it from the girl at the counter. At first he excused the yellow sticky note something the girl had dropped. He'd picked it up and examined it as he walked, noting the unfamiliar handwriting.

He'd of tossed it if it wasn't for the very familiar name.

In squiggly blue gel pen it said _I dare the finder of this note to make out with Ivan Braginski for ten minutes, unless that person is a chicken. Bawk. Bawk. _

Well...challenge motherfucking accepted. The note crumbled in his hand and Alfred smirked. This would indeed be a challenge. He couldn't imagine Ivan just sitting there for him all patient and nice while he made out with him for ten minutes. He almost choked on his coke laughing at the thought of just going up and asking him.

He could see it in his mind, strutting up him while he played tetris or something and going, "Heya Ivan! Do you mind if I just make out with you for about...I dunno...ten minutes?"

"Oh why go right ahead! I'm going to keep playing though, I've got a high score."

And then Alfred would squirm his way into his lap and proceed to make out with him for awhile, occasionally checking his watch. All the while Ivan would be playing away, completely ignoring his old enemy.

Alfred coughed, still half laughing, trying to not laugh harder as the people he passed gave him odd looks and mumbling something akin to "stupid tourists" under their breath. Oh he could not wait to get back and find Ivan. This would be fucking _hilarious. _

…

…

Ivan was seated comfortably in a plush chair in his room typing away on his laptop. He heard a knock at his door and called for them to come in. He'd figured out how to get Alfred alone with him, but the plan required cheesecake, which he'd yet to acquire.

Alfred strolled in full of smiles and sunshine, "Heya Ivan! Can I ask you to do something for me?" He seemed to be holding back something as his smile widened, showing off gleaming teeth and something in his eye sparkled.

Ivan was delightfully surprised. He set his laptop on the small side table and folded his hands neatly in his lap, "Da, you may. Though I must ask you something first, if that is alright."

The intensity of his smile dimmed ever so slightly but Alfred did not falter, "You don't say? Well, you go first, since what I need to ask is a little...odd..." he chuckled quiet and closed the door behind.

Ivan motioned for him to come closely and he did, then with a perfectly sweet smile and even tone he asked, "Will you give me a lap dance?"

Silence. Confused, confused, silence.

"Come again?"

"Will you," he spoke slowly, "give me," it was almost insulting though at this time it was not meant to be such, "a lap dance?"

Alfred laughed, "Hahaha," and smiled, "Pardon?" he shook his head, "I'm sorry Ivan, but a...you seem to be confusing something in there for something else, ya know?"

"No, I believe I am correct. I am asking for a lap dance. From you."

"Heh, no. I don't think you are. You're confusing the words lap dance with something else, as hilarious as it is, I have to ask, please explain what it is you're actually trying to tell me. You're English is good...but something is wrong!" he laughed again. This was even funnier than he'd thought.

Ivan giggled and nodded, "Da...da, maybe I am wrong," but he knew wasn't and as he looked up he gave Alfred a sickly sweet smile, arms on either armrest, "It's very simple Alfred. I want you sit on my lap, and remove your clothes while grinding against me in an arousing manner. I believe that is called a lap dance, correct?"

Poker face. "That...yes, that is basically a lap dance, yes..."

Ivan patted his thigh, "Wonderful. Now come here."

Alfred didn't move, his poker face giving way to disbelief.

Ivan laughed, "What is wrong? Do you want to change into something...more appropriate? I will wait here," he folded his hands neatly into his lap.

"You...seriously want me to give you a lap dance?"

Ivan nodded, "That is right. I think that we have made this clear, have we not?"

"Ah."

"Are you going to change clothes? Like into something...sexier than a suit and tie?"

"...no..."

"Are you sure? I'm perfectly happy to wait."

Alfred just snorted, "What would you have me wear? Assless chaps and a cowboy hat?"

Ivan's smile disappeared, now it was set into the frown of man deep in thought, "...would it be strange if I said I wanted to see you covered in leather?"

His question was met by baffled silence.

"Like...sort of bound up? You know...it kind of looks like one of those straight jacket things?"

"...what?"

"Uh...n-never mind...I...you didn't hear that..."

"Wait wait wait...are you talking about bondage gear or something?"

Ivan shrugged, "To be perfectly honest...I say that because the other thing sounds too...weird..."

"I'm afraid to ask but I will anyway. What's the other thing?"

"...Revolutionary war uniform..."

Alfred's mouth fell open, "You mean the-"

"Blue one you fought Arthur in..."

He closed his mouth, "Y-you...want me to give you lap dance...in my Revolutionary War uniform?"

Ivan looked at his hands, a faint blush on his cheeks.

"I...I don't know whether to be creeped out or turned on..."

Ivan shrugged, "Dressing up is kind of a silly thing to ask anyway...I mean...you most likely don't have such clothes with you for a meeting..."

"That...yeah...I...I've actually been worried you'd want me in maid's outfit or something..."

"Heh, with a collar and panties..."

Alfred nodded, "On all fours handcuffed to the bed."

They laughed for a minute. "Hehe, yeah...I...I don't mean to push the subject but um...there _is _a store I saw that would sell that stuff...nearby..."

"Oh...yeah the one by the coffee shop..."

"Except it wouldn't have your Revolutionary uniform..."

"And somebody would probably notice..."

"Even though it is just...across the street..."

"And everyone's on the top floor and is busy bickering with each other..."

They stared at each other in uncomfortable silence for a minute before Alfred laughed nervously, "Has it dawned on you that we're actually having this conversation? Because we're actually having this conversation..."

Ivan shared his uncomfortable amusement, "This is quite odd, is it not?"

They stared at each other a bit more, each with their own uncertain smiles.

Alfred coughed, "I mean...dressing up isn't exactly needed for a lap dance though...suits and ties can be quite sexy in their own right..."

"Oh yes, very sexy..." Ivan added quickly.

They stared at each again, this time for a few minutes, both drowning in the other's uncertain scrutiny. Ivan bit his lip while Alfred shoved his hands into his pockets, rocking back on his heels.

Alfred broke the silence first, as was his custom, "Soooo...do...you...wanna go check out that store?" he asked quietly.

"...I..I would really like to get a riding crop...and maybe...an outfit...and then..." he mumbled, trailing off into quiet nothingness.

Somewhere within the uncomfortable and bizarre stretches of quiet they agreed that this was indeed going to happen, though neither could seem to admit this simple fact aloud. They were soon up and out the door, hurriedly rushing through empty hallways and to the elevator. They both stood outside the doors for a minute, realizing that this was their chance to turn back and pretend it never happened. The elevator opened with a ding and shiny silver doors parted. Last chance, it seemed to say, turn back before you embarrass yourselves.

They stepped in without looking back, Alfred hitting the the lobby button with purpose. The doors slid closed and soon they were on the lobby floor. In scarcely a minute they'd managed to sneak past Felciano who was asking the man at the desk if he saw Ludwig come out this way.

They were quickly across the street and with the giddiness of two children doing something they weren't supposed to scrambled into the store.

It was dark, the windows covered in black fabric. It smelled unpleasant, much like latex paint and cheap perfume. For a brief moment Ivan wondered if the cheesecake route would've been more efficient but the thought was forgotten as soon as he laid his eyes on a shiny pair of handcuffs at the back of the store. There amongst the racks of ridiculous looking sex toys and stupid clothes was a neat and tidy desk. At this desk a young woman with green hair and face full of piercings.

Alfred didn't notice that Ivan had wondered off, instead he was mesmerized by the woman's face. He was never one for piercings but this girl had far too many. It look like she had some horrible robot acne outbreak all over her mouth. She noticed his stare and promptly flipped him the bird.

Ivan was soon back, carrying a pair of handcuffs, a riding crop, and some fluffy lacy black thing that he assured Alfred would work just fine. He went to the girl at the counter and set the items down, paid for it quickly despite her raised eyebrow, and then was about to drag Alfred out.

As they headed to the door Ludwig stepped out holding a whip and ball gag. The three of them stood there in shocked silence, only the whir of the fan above them dared to make noise. Ludwig's eyes flicked down to the bag in Ivan's had and then to Alfred's face. He nodded and in a whisper he wished them a good night and pushed past to the counter. Ivan said nothing, he grabbed Alfred's arm and quickly dragged them back to the hotel and to his room.

Fifteen minutes later Alfred found that fluffy lacy thing was a dress of sorts that (to Ivan's dismay) was two sizes too small. Ivan sat again in the chair, riding crop dangling loosely in his hand, "Are..are you really going to do this?"

"Did you really want me to wear that?"

"It was not my first choice but it was the only arousing thing that looked like it would fit!"

Alfred sighed and started to loosen his tie, "Ya know what? We've already gone this far...let's just do it. We'll deal with whatever happens later..." and with that Alfred was straddling Ivan's waist...or more accurately, was trying to, "I have never done this but I can already tell this is the worst chair ever for this," he muttered as he undid his tie.

Ivan helped him situate his legs better, "Perhaps we should do it on the bed?"

"I don't know...I'm tempted to like...look up how to do this on the Internet..."

Ivan tapped his bottom thoughtfully with the riding crop, "Hmm...I _do _have my laptop with me..." he reached for it.. "I do not know if we can find one of man giving another man a lap dance..."

"We totally can, I mean, it's the Internet. Here let me see- oh...wait...it's all Russian...okay never mind you try..."

_Tap tap tap _Ivan's fingers danced across the keys, searching for a how-to video on their preferred activity. He found one quickly, though upon viewing it was more than just a simply lap dance.

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><p><strong>I hope you enjoyed~!<strong>

There's going to be another chapter, it'd be kind of mean to leave it like that. Problem is...I don't really know what else to put in there... So it's up to you reviewer peoples, what's going on in that video? Are they other dares about?

Feel free to be as kinky as you want, I'll do my best to write it. One thing I know I can't write is foot fetish type things- I don't like feet. They stink. Like feet.

Or please leave a review about what you want in the next chappie, considering how tiny this story is you'll likely see an update within the week. (Also please excuse any typos :B)


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